Because these thoughts didn’t really fit anywhere else.

Really.

  • I don’t pick up hitchhikers wearing tank tops.
  • Anyone who employs the preemptive caveat “I hate to be a buzz kill, but…” is a goddamn liar.
  • Like a Prayer” just came on the radio. Please excuse me for five minutes while I try like Hell to remember the kneeling-for-prayer-emerges-into-jumping-and-spastic-jazzhands dance my cousin and I choreographed for this song when we were 6 and 5 years old, respectively.
  • Listen to “Thunder Road” and tell me that wouldn’t make an amazing hardcore song, especially thanks to those last two super triumphant swells at the end.
  • Brian Krakow was the David Foster Wallace of angsty, early-to-mid-90s teen melodramas.
  • The “Endless Love” / in vitro fertilization montage from Baby Mama is genius.
  • Unless they’re racist or abusive or whatevs, I’m not into judging celebrities who act a little crazy. I’m not one who is in a position to pass judgment on someone like Lindsay Lohan. If I had all of that money and access, I’d probably be a little Lohan myself.
  • How To Not Be a Total Idiot When Driving Through a Rotary should be a required course in Maine schools.
  • Having never been involved in a convoluted, sound-effects-heavy mishap, no, I have never felt the need to try Powdermilk Biscuits.
  • Yo yo yo, 13-year-old me: DON’T WORRY. In the future, everyone is a nerd (sort of) and they do NERDY COMPUTER THINGS ALL DAY.
  • No, it’s TRUE. Shit gets SO EFFING NERDY that they release scientific studies on how sitting in chairs all day will kill you and they talk about that shit on NPR. That’s how nerdy everyone becomes.
  • I hope that “Adventures in Babysitting” fan fiction in which Chris and Joe Gipp have the hot sex they were clearly meant to have is out there somewhere. I don’t want to read it; I just want to know that it exists. (Of course, I’d just as easily settle for a Chris / Dawson quickie at the garage.)
  • Supermarket employees who oversee the self checkout stations are just preemptively sucking up to Skynet.

 

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Alex Steed

About Alex Steed

Alex Steed has written about and engaged in politics since he was an insufferable teenager. He has run for the Statehouse and produced a successful web series. He now runs a content firm called Knack Factory with two guys who are a lot more talented than himself.