Portland, Maine, as assessed by Google Reviews: November, 2013 Edition

About once a month I poke around Google (and Zagat) reviews to see how Portland looks through the eyes of those who care enough to share their feelings [often anonymously] with the rest of the Internet. I do so less as a means of rating the establishment—I almost always disagree with the reviews—and more as a means of rating humanity in the digital age.

These are the fruits of said digital safari.

LANGUAGE WARNING

If you have not already, check out the September and October editions as well.

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VIP Tires + Service
Average rating: 3.2/5 stars

PLEASE DO AS THIS MAN SAYS BY GOING TO MIDAS TO GET AN INSPECTION STICKER EVEN THOUGH YOU STILL TOTALLY NEED BRAKE WORK. DO NOT LET THESE CON MEN TRY TO RIP YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONE OFF TO THE TUNE OF ANY DOLLARS.

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Siano’s Pizzeria
Average rating: 4/5 stars

While I love Siano’s, I suppose I would stop going to any place where I saw “the cook using the wall as a urinal and wiping his hands on his apron.” I am curious, though, about what the reviewer would have had to witness the chef doing with said apron in order to make it a one-star experience.

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Stavros Pizzeria & Deli
Average rating: 3.4/5 stars

Why Leonardo’s has not yet incorporated “Even Leonardo’s, anything but Stravos” into their marketing endeavors, I have no idea.

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Bill’s Pizza
Average rating: 4.1/5 stars (somehow)

The allusion to Jawas is stretched a little too far, but I appreciate the effort (even though I am pretty sure that this comment—that stripped of the context of Star Wars—sounds a lot like one of your Uncle Daryl’s well-intended, though super racist diatribes over Thanksgiving Dinner.

Note: Mike Cunnane just informed me that Jawas and sand people are two different things. Don’t tell anyone, but I have only seen Star Wars once.

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Portland House of Pizza
Average rating: 4.2/5 stars

PHLOPPY, PHROWNIE emoticon.

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Full Belly Deli
Average rating: 4.4/5 stars

This is probably the first review that I have seen which goes down the road of suggesting the owners of an establishment get F-ed the A or F-ing the people who make miscalculated recommendations. F YOU IN THE A. It borders on LePagian. You don’t have french fries and my girlfriend has to eat onion rings?

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Denny’s, Brighton Ave
Average rating: 3.3/5 stars

F you in the hot and ready A.

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Bonobo Pizza
Average rating: 4.2/5 stars

F you in the hot and ready, busting with flavor, easily penetrated A.

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Bayou Kitchen
Average rating: 4.3/5 stars

Surprisingly, I don’t have anything snarky to say about this one. I just think that it is beautiful.

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Alex Steed

About Alex Steed

Alex Steed has written about and engaged in politics since he was an insufferable teenager. He has run for the Statehouse and produced a successful web series. He now runs a content firm called Knack Factory with two guys who are a lot more talented than himself.