I present here “I pushed a prostitute—pushed a prostitute” and other actual conversations overheard in Los Angeles. These are reproduced as faithfully as possible. I am—I should note—reluctant to offer these slivers, which paint a relatively lurid picture, without offering that I love this city in a huge way. These were, though, too spectacularly ridiculous and obtuse to not share.
“We’re white and our parents have a little bit of money”
Overheard at El Compadre Restaurant on Sunset Boulevard, Saturday April 2, 2016.
Nerdy white guy in his late 20s to another nerdy white guy in his late 20s to nearly identical character:
I definitely feel like we are in a nerd version of Swingers right now. When I grow up, I’d like to spend a little more time upstate. When I’m not living off of my parents and when I have a full time job.
Oh, her? She’s the worst. She came with up to trivia night a while back and just talked through it. She took that thing that I love and ruined it. She’s the worst sort of person. She and people who send you an email with a lot of people CC’ed. Them and people who support Hillary Clinton. Those are the very worst sorts of people. I don’t know one good person who supports Clinton. I definitely don’t know any men who do. Well, there’s Brandon, but he’s not really that much of a man. I like him and all, but you know what I mean, you know?
I’ve only been to North Carolina once. I went to a black movie theater. We were seeing the movie Bringing Down the House and this woman stood up and threw her whole soda at the screen. It got all over the place and everyone cheered. And there were these bitches behind me who wouldn’t stop talking. I finally turned around and told those bitches to shut up. That’s all I know about North Carolina, I guess.
I’m going to head home, take a shower, then let’s meet back up. Oh, where are you going? Ask them if I can come; I want to hang out. What do you mean he makes you feel inferior? You’ve got to cut those people out of your life. I can’t remember—either he hates a movie that I love or loves a movie that I hate. I can’t remember which it is. Oh! Bridge of Spies. He loved that movie and I was like, “Are you an idiot that doesn’t have any eyes?” You have to cut those people out.
I know you had a tough week, man, but you shouldn’t worry. You know, the content you make is very funny. Your Walking Dead recaps are great. What you went through this week was fucked up but don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine because we’re white and our parents have a little bit of money. I know what you mean, though. Sometimes when I think about it I feel like maybe I am taking too much, especially since they don’t really understand why I am doing this. Maybe I let them support me too much. But, whether or not people realize it now, we’ve really got something here. We’ve got a talent. It’s going to be okay.
“… because I’m white!”
Overheard outside of The Drawing Room, a bar, in Los Feliz on Saturday, April 8 [at 8:45 in the morning].
White, skinny, bearded guy with long hair a fashionable straw hat to group of the Hispanic patrons ushering him out of the bar and to his car: [sing-song tone]: Go ahead! Call the cops! I’m not going to go to jail because I’m white!
5 minutes later
Female Hispanic Patron: [unleashes fury or punches unto guy’s face]
“I pushed a prostitute. Pushed a prostitute.”
Overheard on at L’Assiette on Melrose, Friday April 8, 2016:
- Hudson: Young white male, coiffed beard, sitting at bar
- Friend: Female friend of Hudson, also sitting at bar
- Bartender: Unusually patient French national
Hudson: You studied German? Did you spend any time in Germany? I did too. Berlin. How did I like it? Well, I got arrested there. I pushed a prostitute. Pushed a prostitute. I was walking down the street and she came up to me and was hanging all over me. She put her arms around me and I told her to stop but she would not. So I pushed her away like this. I was very drunk, but all I did was push her. Then a man started talking to me in German and I don’t know German. The next thing I know I am being brought down to the police station.
Bartender: Wow, that’s so unusual for prostitutes to act in that manner. Usually…
Friend: Oh, that’s what happened. She was all over him. She was all over him and he pushed her away.
Hudson: Do you know the Associated Press? Well I have a cousin who works for them and so when I was down at the police station I told—I’m half Jewish—and I told them that I am a Jew and we’re in Germany and they’re treating me like they would have in the 30s and 40s. You know? And they let me go.
Bartender: It sounds like you resolved the situation, then.
Hudson: I did. Like I said, I was drunk but she was all over me and I pushed her. And I was drunk, but not like the Americans I saw there before I was arrested. The ones who drink too much and get loud and act out. That sort of behavior is terrible.