Portland, Maine, as assessed by Google Reviews: October, 2013 Edition

Check out last month’s edition here. Also, LANGUAGE WARNING for f-words and acknowledging that vaginas exist.

51 Wharf St. “Restaurant & Ultra Lounge” maintains a 3.4 stars out of 5 rating, but Katrina is no fan of their phone manners. She suggests that “Joe the manager” is a “jerk” and “must be a miserable person.”

Alan, the Victorian England to 51 Wharf’s Count Dracula, agrees. It is not the phone service that turns Alan off, it is that it is FULL OF CREEPY FOREIGNERS THAT GRAB AT WOMEN IN AN UNWANTED MANNER ON A CONSTANT BASIS. Side note: Alan especially dislikes sexual violence. High five on that, but maybe leave the xenophobia at the door the next time, bro.

Uh oh. Blackstones is rated 3.9 stars out of 5, but this presumably straight girl (because really, who else is getting up and arms and making a stink about straight people not being treated fairly?) is bummed out about how she was treated at the gay bar. I’ll let VICE handle this one:

“Your vagina has no power [at gay bars]… Women are used to being let into clubs first, not having to pay a cover, served at the bar quickly, and basically allowed to do whatever the hell they want to do in straight bars… Everyone is catering to open the velvet ropes between a woman’s thighs. It is exactly the opposite in a gay bar. Women, while fun to have around, are practically invisible at a gay party. They have to wait for the one tiny restroom (which has probably been co-opted by boys and drag queens anyway), they don’t get to annoy the DJ to request songs, and the (probably shirtless) bartender is going to take their order last. Congrats, ladies, this is how men feel in straight bars. Now, you need to get used to it, no throwing fits and bitching and moaning because no one is going to put you on a pedestal (or let you dance on a go-go platform). Just deal with it for one night. No one wants to fuck you here, so you’re going to need to get the fuck over yourselves.”

I have nothing to add because obviously. Maine Medical Center boasts a 3 stars out of 5 rating.

Ann was disappointed with her server’s aloofness, though apparently completely unaware that the joke was on her for ordering lobster instead of 5 shots of Jäger and 12 PBRs at the Old Port Tavern. Silly Ann. OPT is rated 3.9 out of 5 stars.

Also regarding OPT, this anonymous user starts with stating that they “hate writing reviews that bash a place,” which is as explicit and foreboding a foreshadow as when your date tells you that he/she is “actually pretty low maintenance.”

I don’t know how I missed this when I reviewed the reviews of Joe’s Smoke Shop (3.6 out of 5 stars) last go-round, but this anonymous reviewer suggests that the “black n*@#$ chashier [sic] sucks donkey balls” because we live in “post-racial America”  the reviewer is a racist piece of shit.

Speaking of racism, while one anonymous reviewer is a fan of the availability of Jenga at the bar, access to a large outdoor patio, and a “non stuck up” atmosphere at Oasis (3.3 out of 5 stars), another anonymous reviewer is no fan of the “sketchy” patrons, and Katina gives the fact that it is “a little racist, honestly” a frownie emoticon.

This reviewer, who needs a muzzle for their aging rescue dog so that it doesn’t eat their baby (it is “really” the reviewer’s “last hope” for saving their newborn from their ravenous hound), is disappointed with Fetch (4 stars out of 5). The pet store is purportedly to blame for the reviewer’s decision to walk to downtown Portland from South Portland with the baby and killer animal in tow for some reason.

Almost all of Ruski‘s’ (3.8 stars out of 5) reviews are totally endearing and heartwarming, and Brittany’s is no exception. That said, her suggestion that she is always treated like she is at home “regardless of time or how much food I’ve bought” makes me curious about her food procurement practices at her actual home. Brittany is right, though, this place is an institution and is worthy of celebration.

This person forgot that the review is supposed to be about the restaurant, not the reviewer’s own fragile mental state. Mesa Verde scores a 3.7 stars out of 5.

Alex Steed

About Alex Steed

Alex Steed has written about and engaged in politics since he was an insufferable teenager. He has run for the Statehouse and produced a successful web series. He now runs a content firm called Knack Factory with two guys who are a lot more talented than himself.